Tag Archives: catheterization

in the interest of science

“I can’t TELL you to catheterize yourself,” the instructor told us at the end of the first class on catheters, “but let’s just say the first person I ever catheterized was myself.” Wink-wink.

Latex Foley Catheter

She rummaged in the box in front of her. “I have a bunch of sealed, sterile Foleys here,” she said. “Just in case anyone is interested.”

A few people went up to collect. I took one, too. What the hell.

I am so going to catheterize myself. The dummies in lab have the most obvious urethra. Like the bore of a shotgun, practically.

This ain’t no thing. Hands-on trumps theory for such things. And I certainly need the practice.

Back in Level 1 I thought administering a suppository would be easy. Well, actually it is totally easy. Lube that capsule and shoop! But I thought it would be obvious. Aim for the asshole. It’s not always obvious. My first client in need was a very heavy, bed-ridden man with surgery scars on his butt from old anal fissures plus bed-sores in various stages. Between trying to repo his body and rogue puckers, it was confusing. I almost tried to jam 5mg of Bisocodyl into a healing decubitus ulcer. There was so much flesh, so many nooks and crannies. More practiced nurses and aides learn how to shoehorn all that aside, zero in for the shoop. I am still getting to that level of hands-on confidence.

So I can only bet the urethra, especially the female urethra, is more sneaky. So I will practice on myself, what about it.

Until I was in my teens I didn’t know females peed out a different hole than your vagina. Yes, I could be your nurse one day. But I am learning.

I can hardly stand to look at my own clam in the strategically-tilted mirror. “Blaaaaah,” I announce, taking a PRN sip of Jim Beam as with the other hand I fiddle with my junk, searchingly. This is a reconnaissance mission. I don’t even have my catheter; I left it in my locker.

To be continued.

Edited 1 day later to add: It burns!